Vanity and Miscarrige

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Picture showing off my baby bump at 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

To give a little background my husband and I have a 2 1/2 year old little girl and last November I had a miscarriage.  Some time has past so I am about to talk about it more now.  The event has made me feel so human.  I have been given so much love and gained so much empathy.

One thing that I have not read about and wanted to talk about was my body after the miscarriage.  During the pregnancy of my first child my body went though many changes.  I loved sharing those weekly changes with the world.  I went to Vegas at about 4 months I even wore a bikini.  I enjoyed showing off my cute little belly.  I went though a lot of pain to get there.  And what an amazing thing that was happening in my body.  I was very sick but enjoyed showing the changes that my body was making.

Just as the first pregnancy I progressed and a little faster.  Again I was excited and blogged about my nauseousness.  But then I stop sharing and want to share with you now.  About a month after I had the miscarriage we went on a cruise.  My body was still about 3 months pregnant.  I did not want to wear a bikini.  What would people say to me?  Would they ask if I was pregnant?  Would they think I was fat because I was not eating healthy food?  I was afraid to show my belly.  Now until my body got back to where it was before I got pregnant the second time.  But in reality even though I only have one child, my body will not go back to after I had the one child.  My body has been pregnant twice.  Not the full time but still part of the time.  But since it happened during a time where I was in shorts and a tank top I was ashamed of what happened to my body.  But I wanted to have fun on vacation and be happy with my family.  Not think these negative thoughts about what people are thinking of me as I sit out by the pool.  I tried my hardest. I wore a one piece bathing suit.

Another thing that happened is I found out I had a miscarriage on a Thursday and did not have the D and C until Monday.  How could I got out in public with a dead baby inside me?  How rude would that be to other people?  I was ok with having a healthy growing baby.  But I realize now this is the wrong thinking.  I did go that day to get my daughters picture taken with Santa.  I did go to church on Sunday.  But I felt I was being rude to the people around me.

I am writing this to explain how this idea of vanity that I had is just silly.  I was just having too much pride in my own appearance.  This is another lesson that our beautiful second baby has taught me.  I keep learning every day.

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